Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Max's Burgers

Response to StoryCraft exercise to write in dialogue and the Swedish tjuvlyssnat (thief listener) blog post about teen-aged girls ordering fastfood.

"What is the little runt doing here?"

Becky gulped releasing the Orange Fanta lever, her 24 ounce cup half-full, and turned to face Rachelle. "Go away."

"You ain't powerful without your wand."

"Yeah," said Hannah who along with Rachelle's other sidekick, Erin, blocked Becky's escape.

"You didn't answer my question," said Rachelle.

"I don't see any runts here." Becky chewed her lip.

"Half blind without her wand too." Erin laughed at Rachelle's words. "You know this is our territory, and you come here alone without your wand."


Hannah giggled and Rachelle pushed Becky against the fountain machine. "Cut your laughter. If she's brave, she'll stand still." Rachelle closed her eyes, the eyeballs jerking under the makeup laden skin, as she called a ghost swirling out of the floor.

Becky cringed away from the Hestut ghost. "Rachelle, no."

"Not so tough now," said Erin.

"You girls, stop that," said one of the cashiers as he hurdled the counter.

Grit swirled around the Hestut as it rose from the ground. Becky dove away from it between Rachelle and Erin, dropping her soft drink. "I'm sorry," called Becky lying prone on the floor with orange soda seeping into her blouse, "the incantation wasn't supposed to sprout a mustache on your lips."

"Well, you won't make that mistake twice will you."

The cashier snapped his fingers, "Alio Shram".

The ghost a pale glow careened through the waiting area, his voice barely heard. "No... I'm seeking."

The cashier snapped a second time, "Alio Shrum."

"NOOooo..." The ghost's voice faded as it disappeared.

"I told you girls to stop. Now clean up this mess." He grabbed a handful of napkins and held them in front of Rachelle.

"Don't need that." Rachelle wielded a straw like a wand before tossing it to bounce off of Becky's chest. "Becky will slurp it off the floor."

"All you can do is pick on the defenseless." Becky threw the straw into the Fanta puddle and ran to the doors flinging them open. "Hi, Alonso."


"If you're looking for her, she's in there."



"Oh no. We broke up."

Becky sucked in her breath and smiled at Alonso. "Well, then you don't want to go in there."

"Why not?" His glance dropped to her cleavage.

"It's filled with trash," said Becky as she linked her arm around Alonso's and led him away from Max's burgers.

1 comment:

  1. very intriguing, indeed. i enjoyed the mixing of different genres? is it? the ghost bit, the teenagers, and trying to put it without much exposition to tell a story via a dialogue. not an easy task, but you manage well...

    the images of straws and fanta stick out most as they make the dialogue most real.