The second response in the One Lovely Blog Award Series is to Deb Markanton's prompt posted on Flashy Fiction, "Figure It Out". Deb also has several partial series started on her blog. I'm hoping one of them gets their claws into her and we get a follow-up installment soon.
Zahir sat amidst the kayak pointing at the heavens stained black and impenetrable by the fire glowing behind them. "What's that supposed to mean?"
Liza followed her son's pointing finger to see a falling star streaking across the sky. White glowing light tinged with a crimson ichor as if the gods had rent the night sky to peer at them. Behind her, the square rigged sails of the Dhaka flared, the heat washing over her cheeks and soot-covered arms. "It's a falling star," said Liza.
"Mom, that's not what I asked. What's it mean?"
Liza swiped at a tear, salty like the sea while the wind blew bits of burning canvas. A glowing coal landed in Zahir's hair, and she leaned forward to pluck it out, tossing it in the sea to sizzle and die. Zahir's lips twitched as he caught her retreating hand and squeezed a soft connection between them. She saw adventure written in his eyes, the fire already a memory for him. "It means a new beginning," said Liza. "Here, help me paddle this kayak into the sea god's arms."
This is interesting. i like the night imagery a lot. a few things, 1) Liza followed her son's pointing finger to see a falling star streaking across the sky with a comet-like tail.
ReplyDeleteDon't you think the impact of the star streaking would be more if you left out "commet-like tail"? I feel it causes a disruption in my mind. I can see a falling star streaking and then I am distracted to imagine a comet-like tail. THAT is just ME as a reader. Not a critique on writing from someone who writes.
2) "salty like the sea" from writing standpoint--I think is too cliche. UNLESS you will develop more about the sea they are rowing in and link it back. At least I think so.
3)the only thing I didn't like it is that it truly is an introduction. I want more! :P
4)love the title.
thanks,
annie
Thanks Ganymeder & Annie.
ReplyDeleteI've adopted the elimination of the comet; however, I salty like the sea may be cliché, but I wanted to get across ocean-ness of the water. I'll have to think about trying to capture that with some smells instead. Always willing to tinker some more ;)