Friday, February 3, 2012

Soul Deals

The years leave a stain, whether it's the liver spots on Alin's skin or the coal soot layered over the cathedral's stones. Even with the sun shining through the low-hanging clouds like a pale dandelion gone to seed, even with the dearth of men due to conscription for the church's holy wars, even with all the villagers voices raised in a throaty disharmony, her skin itched and she wished she was home in her rough-thatched lean-to on the barrow plains. She shook her head, not ready to give up so easily. She needed a youth and had delayed too long already, trying to convince herself she could be self-sufficient, remembering the mentor who had coerced her apprenticeship. When she first learned the ways of harvesting the deathwalkers, she'd promised herself she wouldn't force servitude, but age warped a person. Here she lurked, waiting to harvest her own apprentice.

The cathedral's bone bells announced the end of services. Alin stretched the shawl over her shoulders, retreating into an alley's darkness, her fingers casting id -- not her own, but that of the harvested deathwalkers -- to weave a glamour ball into reality. Villagers spewed from the maw of the great cathedral's doors. Their eyes flickered and skipped past Alin's alley.

The boy, Tavian, straggled with a handful of other young children. Alin nodded at the way the others abandoned him, leaving a separation between them. She knew his father had been drafted and Tavian had received no notice of life nor death since the spring thaw took his father. But their real fear came from what the summer rotting months had brought his mother. The Black Death. Orphaned, the church would see he was assigned guardians. But the losses would fester.

She prayed the crust over his emotional wounds would be weak, would allow her to poke through, would not require coercing. She played the glamour ball into the square. Only Tavian would see it.

"Yes, my lifewalker. Yes, take hold of destiny." The others slipped past him. His guardians neglected to watch for him. She drew the glamour ball towards herself, and the boy followed.

His hands trapped the ball. He squeaked. "Where did you come from?"

"Tavian --"

"How do you know my name?" He twitched as if trying to retreat, but the glamour had him.

She promised herself using power to coerce him to stay wasn't breaking her promises. She would leave him to make the decision, but she needed the id's power to get this chance to make him the offer. "Not important. Your mother is dead. Your father is dead."

The boy gulped.

Alin used more of the id and wove a miniature image of the battlefield, men strewn across it like rocks on a moor. Tavian's father lay on his back with his hands clutching at the spear wound. The illusion crowded out the reality of the alley. The boy loomed over the body. "Your life is dead. But it doesn't have to be."

"No... no."

She blinked. She needed strength. He wasn't refusing this opportunity, she hadn't even made her offer, but rather he denied the truth. A finality he'd already accepted.

"The soul dies, but it leaves behind the id."

"You... you're a souleater."

"Not the words I like to use. We do not eat souls, but release the essence. Otherwise, your folks will wander the earth as deathwalkers, cursed with an id unwilling to leave, haunted by the echoes their senses leaves them, jealous of the life you live. They will shamble beyond the villages walls, drawn by the cathedral's life force."

"My parents --"

"Only their id remains."

"I want to see them."

He wouldn't enjoy discovering their deathwalking shell. "I can take you to them, but first, you must agree to owe me service."

He would make a strong apprentice. His life id was strong. She was using his emotions, but she hadn't coerced his response with magic. She tried to convince herself that was what mattered. Her hand was warm on his back and fed on his id as she led him toward the barrows.

23 comments:

  1. Rationalizing at it's best. ;) But maybe he won't resent her for it.

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    1. Rationalization can be quite the art form. She was sneaky, I didn't even realize she was rationalizing.

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  2. The "crust" metaphor creeped me out a little bit. I certainly don't want some girl poking inside my scabs. However, I can see how a kid would think that way, and make all these rationalizations.

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    1. Intriguing. Your comment tells me that this felt more from Tavian's viewpoint than Alin. I want the creepy feeling, but I can see how that may be more of a child-like perspective.

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  3. OK, hopefully I won’t offend you too much with an unwanted critique. But, I was so drawn into this scene that the things that pulled me out were practically overwhelming. And, I am really interested in reading more of this story.

    **"Yes, my lifewalker. Yes, take hold of destiny." The others slipped past him. His guardians neglected to watch for him. ** This is totally unnecessary dialogue and narrative. I (as the reader) am so completely lodged in Alin’s head that I wondered where the dialogue was coming from.

    From a few lines above, the reader knows she cast a glamour ball; perhaps you could add another sentence or two to explain the purpose in that segment, so the line “She drew the glamour ball towards herself, and the boy followed” is self explanatory. This line is a very concise, effective action tag that moves not only the scene along, but builds some character plot for Alin. Shows her expertise without excessive word count.

    “coerce him to stay” : seems as if he was already her “lifewalker”. The problem I’m having is with the word “stay”. I’d like to see something that shows she is enticing him to be a “follower”; that she is changing his lifepath with her manipulations of his emotions. I’m sensing that “destiny” has a large role to play in your overall story plot, so I’d like to see your word choice here reflect that. (Yeah, I could be wrong.)

    “The boy gulped.” This is too subtle a movement for the POV character to see without a lot of word count about her powers of observation. Seriously; look in the mirror at yourself as you “gulp”. How hard do you have to work at this motion to get it noticed? IF you need an action from Tavian, make it something extremely obvious. I (as reader) don’t need anything from Tavian at this point. It takes me out of Alin’s close POV. Tavian is not the focus of this scene, and “the boy gulped” feels like a POV shift. I want to completely stay in Alin’s head and emotional perspective at this point. Her guilt and desperation is a driving scene plot.

    If you use Tavian’s “No . .no” then I suggest Alin sensing something in the tourmoil of his emotions that makes her question her motives again. Have her glimpse something unexpected in Tavian’s memories that makes her feel even more guilt for her manipulations; but give her sound reasoning for continuing. Later in the novel, you can have Tavian himself confirm this was the right option for him, regardless of the outcome. I'm thinking there will be a confrontation between the two; where Tavian will have to decide where his loyalties lie. You've set it up well here for Alin to trust Tavian to do the right thing at a point where it is pivotal to the story and/or character plots.

    Your last paragraph is “telling”. If you go just a tad deeper with her emotional tourmoil while she is “recruiting him” you can show all that, and the story will be stronger. It would also make “He wouldn't enjoy discovering their deathwalking shell. "I can take you to them, but first, you must agree to owe me service." A viable last line hook to the chapter; leaving the reader needing to turn the page to see if Tavian accepted or not. I think leaving the ambiguity will leave lots of room for growth between both Alin and Tavian; and the reader will be forced to trust Alin as Tavian’s trust builds.

    Aidan; this scene is so well developed for both overall and character plot I'd read on even without the bit of minor tweaking. I'm totally hooked at this point.

    ........dhole

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  4. Oh; delete the above comment if it really does offend you. I thought you had comment moderation turned on. Sorry.

    ........dhole

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    1. It doesn't offend me at all. I really appreciate the time you've taken to critique. I feel many writers have blind spots when it comes to their own writing and it helps looking at the writing from a different viewpoint, which is what the critique helps illuminate.

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  5. The opening lines are superb, Aidan. Really feels like you've matured as a writer. =)

    Really enjoyed the rest of the story too, the setting, the sense of an otherness nested inside a recognisable reality, Alin fighting her promises to herself and the details of the world revealed through that.

    And the hints of zombies without going, "grrrgh, arrrgh, brains"... The zombie stories I enjoy the most nowadays barely have zombies in them at all. =)

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    1. Thanks. I came up with the setting initially, particularly an intriguing insight into looking at zombies in a way I hadn't seen before. Of course, when I started digging for character, Alin took the story away from the focus of that insight, but it leaves a hook for me to find the longer piece.

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  6. It has been a while since I was around to read here. The story drew me in and kept me engaged until the end. Creepy and cool :)

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    1. For some reason, the short nights of winter have me sparking with creepy stories.

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  7. The gloom of winter asks for gloomy stories, no? Alin was well-drawn here, her hunger driving her to rationalize breaking her resolve. Tavian's resistance and acquiescence were also done well, but I didn't feel him as well as I did Alin.

    An interesting world you've sketched here, with a new(?) mythos. I'd like to see more.

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    1. Yes, the intention is that this is a new mythos. We'll see if I can shove this in with my other ongoing work. Thank-you for the comment on Tavian; I'll look at ways to bring him out of his shell.

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  8. Done with your usual depth of imagination Aidan. I think Alin is an interesting character and I don't really see any wrong in what she is doing, which is looking to her own survival, I also believe that her goals may be quite beneficial to Tavian eventually too.

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    1. Tavian needs someone even if he doesn't feel it entirely inside and this is a good chance for him.

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  9. very stark and bleak, but well done Aidan. With your whole world gone you would be tempted to do pretty much anything to get it back. Reminded me of a classic fairy tale.

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    1. We're resistant to change, and I can understand that in Tavian's case since until now those changes have been unmistakeably bad. I'm curious, which fairy tale?

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  10. She was definitely manipulative and yet driven I felt. I liked both these characters, I think they were well formed and as always you paint with words an intriguing world.

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  11. Interesting milleu. I'd like to see a longer piece in it.

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  12. I dug the smaller world-building touches, like the bell made of bone. Some neat work, Aiden.

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  13. Oh my, how evil and creepy. Rationalizing her wickedness. We get to see the heart of the wicked witch at last. Nicely done!

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  14. I really enjoyed the imagery. In addition, as I was reading I became curious as to whether Alin would be able to stick to her original good nature. When she is stronger I believe that the good side of her will regret her actions. How could the boy choose anything but seeing his parents one last time?

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  15. Your stories are getting better and better! :) Even though it's short, I feel completely immersed in the world. It feels real so the characters become just a little more flesh & bone in my head.

    I like Alin's internal struggle with who she is, how she doesn't want to take an apprentice (what she promised herself she wouldn't do) but yet she does anyway. It's very human of her. I want to know what happens once Tavian is her apprentice.

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