Friday, July 13, 2012

Assassin Franks

I snapped my mustard arm into a sharp, two-fingered salute. The strictures of protocol better keep the emotion out of my eyes. Couldn't appear weak before Colonel Wiener. He spun on his heels to leave me pondering my death sentence. Blasted war.

The grill was one of those fancy chrome death chambers. Four separate gas dials sprayed enough methane to crisp a soldier in under two minutes. Too bad I was going to have a close encounters with that beast. Kamikaze, my bun. But, I knew better than to disobey a direct order.

I vaulted the white picket fence. My shoulder slammed into a rose bush. It's thorn skewered my casing, moist meat tumbling through the hole. Fortunately, the corps had embedded the special seasoning at the other end.

Stumbling forward, I saw myself reflected off the grill. The man with his implements of death had his back to me. Good thing. He'd never see it coming.

One of the kids -- a lumbering giant, no wonder we were losing the war -- grabbed me. His pudgy fingers were almost as wide as my waist. How could we lose to these jokers? I laid there. Played dead.

He shook me. No, don't let the weakened casing split.

I survived the boy's torture. I wouldn't reveal my orders. Even better, he brought me to the hulk manning the death chamber. The man wore one of those girly aprons. They didn't deserve to live.

"Where did you find that?" the man asked.

The boy pointed with his other hand. "Over there."

"Don't look so good."

He'd seen the poison injected below my casing. I twitched. I'd come too far to fail my orders. I twisted a ketchup leg up and over the bruise where the poison lie.

"Why did you put all that ketchup on the dog. It's not even cooked yet. Here, give it to me." The man tossed me at the grill. My skin sizzled against the grate.

Mission accomplished.

20 comments:

  1. A gruesome suicide mission indeed! Guess I'd better keep an eye out for extra 'dogs hitting the grill this weekend. ;-)

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  2. Very tongue-in-cheek this one Aidan, a bit like "The DOGS of war" (Groan)

    Thanks for the smiles. :)

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    1. Your welcome. I love an appropriate pun.

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  3. Hm, I think I'm getting hungry. I'll check my "dogs" before grilling though. Thanks for the warning :)


    ......dhole

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    1. Just make sure none of them have arms or legs before they go on the grill.

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  4. Eww! That's one hot dog I'll give a miss. ^_^

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    1. I guess I grew up. I give all hot dogs a miss. Either that or this is a true story. At least I survived.

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  5. Brave sausage. I wonder if all hotdogs go to heaven? ;)

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    1. Now I've got visions of hotdogs with wings. I think they zoom very fast.

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  6. Next time I have the desires to eat a hotdog I'll pay close attention to the guy grilling the sausage...don't want any surprises!

    Very cool story Aidan. Made me smile.

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    1. Thanks. Beware the 'dog behind the hood.

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  7. Ewwwww... but good. Next time there's a processed meat recall ('cos we all know there's going to be one sooner or later) I'll definitely be thinking of this.

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    1. Yes, the Franks will have made quite the coup at that point.

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  8. Really clever! Though I might not look at a hot dog in the same way again...

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    1. I recommend staying away from them if they talk to you. (I guess that's the hazard of authors... we don't necessarily play with our food, but sometimes it talks.)

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  9. Hi there Aidan -- ha, ha, ha. "...intellects vast and cool and sausage-like, regarded this barbecue with envious eyes, and slowly and surely drew their plans against us." St.

    PS: I nominated you for an award at http://cafeshorts.co.uk/news/kreativ-and-versatile/

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  10. Euw! And ugh! And other things.

    I certainly wasn't expecting that! Good that you can mix it up with the crazy when you want to.

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